Surrendering my 'if only' to Jesus

Those words... were on the tip of my tongue today. My day started out well after a refreshing and rejuvenating weekend. I woke up early, packed lunch for my best, made breakfast for the kids, and got to work on today's "mom school." I planned out inspiration for my girls. We were going to read from the Bible... we are up to Esther now which is one of my favorite stories. I planned to talk about choices and cover some modern day heroes. I chose Corrie Ten Boom and a new book about the women's suffrage movement that we've been studying. Then we would go worm hunting on the sidewalks and put the worms back in the dirt where they belong.

As the kids starting rolling out of bed... the tension began. Even before breakfast I quelled two different quibbles... by 10 am I had one child in a hysterical melt-down and two others bickering non-stop. As I tried to calm the explosive child... those words... almost came out of my mouth.

"I can't do this..."

I started to fantasize about a morning with only one child at home. What would it be like to have some one-on-one time with my three-year-old. How nice would it be to not have to listen to fighting every morning? I wonder what a nap would feel like...? Am I ruining my kids? What makes me think I'm qualified to do this? I'll bet my house would be a lot cleaner... Just think of all the laundry I could fold. All the books I could read... Maybe I could take a class.

The thoughts just kept coming. I pursed my lips, and tucked the now-calmer child [back] into bed. But the tone was set for the rest of the day.

We didn't learn about Corrie Ten Boom... or women's suffrage... we were lucky to even get in a few minutes of math.

The kids let the dog out to play in the rain... and then back inside where she shook her muddy coat... in the kitchen... Mud splatters everywhere! Somebody dragged the dog bed outside in between rainstorms (OK... it was me... I was trying to air it out and I thought we were done with the rain!) and now it's SOAKING wet. 

During the brief window of blue skies, we tried to go for a walk.. and made it exactly three houses away before I had to carry my screaming three-year-old back home... with her flailing body in one arm and her three-wheeled scooter in the other.

Defeated, I piled the kids into the car to get groceries [and dinner] at Costco. Naturally I ran into one of my very put-together and classy neighbors... and realized I was still caked with mud from the kitchen incident... Aaaand at least one child was still wearing pajamas. Just... Awesome.

I drove home through a hail storm... after I spent my wonderful weekend planting my garden.Sure enough... At least half of my plants are shredded. The sorest loss is my brand new grape vine... which is broken in half. I've already hidden [at least] once in the garage with a bag full of M&M's (I'm talking Costco size people!) and I'll probably do it again before the night is over.

Deep breath.

I'm trying to remind myself that meltdowns would still happen if I weren't homeschooling. I just might not "get" to witness them as often. There would still be fighting... and I probably wouldn't have any extra time for laundry between carpool and PTA. I chose this. For a reason.

Tomorrow's a new day... 

And in the words of Corrie Ten Bloom, it's time to

"...surrender my 'if only' to Jesus."

Me Not Them

I have lately been learning about a new (to me) philosophy of education. A Thomas Jefferson Education encourages "you not them", "inspire not require". It tells us that we should "Lead out". It encourages us to continue our own education as we blaze the trail for our posterity. And I realized... I don't even know what I want to study. My brain tells me that I should take a book-keeping, accounting, or business class... but my heart tells me to study art and music. I don't know how to make myself better. I don't know how to lead or be an example to anybody... let alone these precious little gems in my charge... 

The following is a series of advice-seeking posts that I have published on a homeschooling  page that I frequent on Facebook.

2/18/2016
A bit over a year ago... I sat in the home of a well-respected teacher and entrepreneur. I was talking to her about private tutoring for my then 6-year-old. She suggested a trade to offset cost so she could offer services at a discounted rate. 
"What skills do you have?" She asked. 
I sat there for a minute and listed a few of my husband's skills, but for myself I could think of nothing worthy of a trade. I left her house feeling discouraged and defeated. Here I was in my mid-30's and I could not think of  a single thing that I excelled at. Later that year I took an online skills/interests test which would purportedly point me in the direction of a career that I would enjoy. The results: "No career path matches your skills/interests". 
I have friends who tutor, teach music, take pictures, organize, book-keep, paint, build, sew, manage, cut hair, etc... for other people... from home as a supplement to their household income. These are all things that they enjoy, that they've pursued at some point, and that they now they use to supplement their household income and/or offer as trades to others. I have none of these skills. I have no idea even where to start. 
I have taken right brain/left brain tests...and every SINGLE time the results come up 50/50. I am average in every way. I like math... but I'm not great at it. I like art... but I'm not great at it. I'm not a great housekeeper, cook, teacher, or mom (if I'm being honest- my one redeeming quality). 
I feel a pull ... to be something more... do something more... to work on myself and make a change in me and in my family... but I feel so lost! It's like I am being pulled first one way and then the other... constantly and steadily traveling on this unyielding path of mediocrity. 
I crave passion... but I lack courage. I'm not necessarily looking for a career (although a supplement to our income would be a happy side-effect). Nonetheless, I would love to have *something* to add to my resume of accomplishments and skills. Has anybody else found themselves in a similar rut? I would love some inspiration here... At this point I definitely do not feel as if I'm much of a leader. :/


2/19/2016
Friends... As I sit here reading your responses (every single one!) I can't help but to be deeply and thoroughly humbled. I  prayed in earnest last night before climbing into bed- and this morning I woke early. As I sat at the window watching the sun rise over the mountains, the thought came to me that I do not, in fact, lack passion or courage... but that in reality what I lack is *permission*. Permission to pour that passion into un-quantifiable talents; permission to stop measuring myself against worldly standards; permission to love what I love with no excuses or explanations. I am God's hands and I can serve Him best when I stop focusing on the merits of men. If I'm completely honest with myself, that's what my crisis has been all about- not measuring up to what mankind *thinks* I should be doing (or rather whatever it is *I* think they should expect). 
I do love art- but I've never allowed myself permission to pursue it. I love to write- I really do! But I haven't so much as written in my journal this past decade... To allow myself the time to hone my talent instead of teaching, working, cleaning, serving (you name it!), seemed irresponsible, careless, and even selfish. As I read through your replies, I realize that my childhood never allowed me the opportunity for a proper love of learning. As a beginner to TJed, in the interest of "leading out" it didn't even occur to me to start there. I've been searching for passion to ignite my scholar phase when in reality what I've needed was permission to finally start my love of learning. So... thank you all for your kind comments. You will never know how much your solidarity has meant to me! (And P.S.... I think I will start a blog!)


2/21/2016
I'm feeling a lot more hopeful today. I made a list of all the things that throughout my childhood, I had hoped to learn most passionately... things that I remember pining and wishing for- some that I actually did practice at for a time. I was never afforded the chance to heartily pursue any of my endeavors. Some were blocked by circumstance, some were blocked by my parents, some were blocked by my own logical sensibilities... I instead pursued more practical endeavors. And I'm just now realizing, as I'm looking over my list, that I set aside my creativity and focused on that which was the most respectable. I detested the thought of becoming a  statistic- for reasons I won't get into today- and in the meantime I explored that which the world would most applaud and congratulate. What that left me with was a a college education in a field that I've never enjoyed and consequently never used. I've since devoted the majority of my time to trivial household duties, community service, and the raising of my children. And while I do absolutely "get fulfillment" in doing at least those latter two... I feel that I have lost my "self" in the process. Tonight I'm sitting down with my husband to work out a plan to get back on track. Wish me luck!

2/22/2016
Hi friends, it's me again. I did some soul searching last week after my post and all of your encouraging comments. I realized then that I had pretty much skipped my love of learning phase. I had never really given myself *permission* to explore it (even as a child). My interests and even personality have been muddled by a mix of what I want and what I think other people want (or expect) of me. Anyway, as I made my list of things that I'd really like to learn verses the things that I think I *should* learn... I noticed that all of my right brain creative side was what I wanted... while the left brain mathematical side is what I'd actually pursued. I sat down and had a conversation about it with the hubs (a very left brained individual)... who told me "we are just not in the season of our life yet for you to explore your artistic side". "Your time right now needs to be focused on more practical things." "That just sounds like chaos." "It would be too hard to carve out chunks of time to devote to lessons or time to practice.." ha!! This is just a bit of the opposition I encountered. He fully supports me taking classes on book keeping by the way... but is not okay with piano lessons, etc. Now... don't get me wrong. He's not a dream squasher ... he just has absolutely no frame of reference or understanding for why these things are important to me. His love of learning would be to learn quantum physics (true story) and in his down time he chooses to re-tile our shower. He can't understand why I would want to draw a silly picture... that has no function or purpose. SO... my question for you is... how? How do you take time out of your busy day for "me" time without having it upset the balance of your very existence. How do you sell this concept to your spouse? P.s. he's very reasonable (maybe too much so!). I just have to appeal to his logic!
P.S. I don't have a *need* to be a professional anything. I just want to learn. I dabble in arts and crafts and do plenty of artistic things with my kids.... but let's be honest... I can't exactly hone my skill with blunt-edge scissors and glue sticks. What I'm craving is progress. I actually want to learn *how* to paint/draw/play piano. It doesn't require a class... but will require time... time without a 3-year-old "helping". That's the main issue. The time that I take for myself.